Today was my breaking point.

I realized that I hadn't posted in a while and this certainly won't do if I intend on keeping people updated via my blog. I'll start with Monday because from what I remember, it was a good day. I taught my students for the first time and it went awesome. I am teaching 5th grade for the summer, but there are a wide range of kids in my class. They are between the ages of 11 and 14, and one boy can't even recognize letters. (He came from Guyana last year and was placed in 5th grade simply because of how old he was). I had my students do an activity to get them thinking about people they looked up to, people who worked hard towards their goals. Their responses amazed me. Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King Jr., moms, grannies, brothers, teachers. These kids' responses were incredibly thoughtful and reflective, and they seemed ready to use these people as models for hard work.

But kids are kids. And kids hate summer school. Not to mention, schools aren't always run as efficiently as possible. Yesterday I had 15 minutes to complete a 45-minute lesson because of a fire drill. I never understood why my teachers would get so upset about distractions until I became a teacher myself. Every minute in the classroom is so valuable, especially for students who need to pass standardized tests to advance to the next grade. We're trying to get these kids excited about advancing on to Junior High, but getting them motivated has proved to be more challenging that I originally thought.

Today was my breaking point. I cried. All week long I had been fighting tears during frustrating situations, trying to keep my composure despite the crappiest of circumstances. Today I taught a lesson about reading nonfiction texts and relying upon hints in the title, headings, pictures, etc. I was not an effective teacher, and therefore my students did not learn. When they were not paying attention and seemed to be all over the place, the fault was all mine. This is perhaps the most difficult aspect of teaching so far. I am the one to blame for my students' acheivement or lack thereof. In addition, I was supervised today by the director of the program. She gave me really positive feedback (with suggestions for improvement) but told me she couldn't believe it was only my third day teaching. That made my day a little better, but my students still didn't learn the material. The final breaking point occurred when I lost my cell phone. This would be hard in any circumstance, but in my case it is even worse. When I feel myself losing it, I usually call someone to talk and regain perspective on my experience. (Some of you might be the victims of such phone calls). So when my only connection to the outside world is eliminated, all hell breaks loose and I end up in tears. Oh, I forget to mention that this was right after I walked a 1/2 mile back to my dorm room in a downpour. I was soaked. I was downtrodden. I was defeated. I cried. And I felt better.

I have determined that I am a crier (this is not new), and that I probably always will be. It's not always such an awful thing. I would rather be overly emotional (which I am) than be emotionless. I think I pick up on situations that a lot of people overlook because I'm always aware of how my surroundings affect me and my emotions. If this also causes me to break out in tears every so often, so be it.

I'm still wrestling with how I'm doing spiritually. Without entering the "vegi-taled-Steven-Curtis-Chapman-Christ-Like-pose-painting-bad-metaphor

world" that can emerge from discussing Christianity (thank you, Anders), I probably need God more than ever before. However, it is awfully difficult to figure out my Christian identity in a program in which most people are critical of Christianity. I am going to go to church in Manhattan on Sunday at Bethesda Covenant Church. I haven't been to church in a very long time, so perhaps exposure to such a community will remind me of my love for the church at large.

The apartment search may be over, as I think I have secure a place with a second-year TFA member. I was given her name after I met her mom (who happens to be my elementary school guidance counselor). Her name is Kristin and I think we will get along really well. The apartment is in Harlem, about a 1/2 mile directly north of Central Park and a block to two train lines. It should be a 25 minute commute to my school in the Bronx.

Sleep awaits me.

Exhaustion: The Story of My LIfe

I can't remember any point in my life in which I have been so incredibly exhausted. I'm not just tired; it's beyond that. At this point I don't know how I am still going (or even awake at this hour). Teach for America is without a doubt one of the most challenging experiences I have ever undertaken...and I haven't even met my students yet.

However on a brighter note, and perhaps the only thing keeping me sane right now, was my celebration of Independence Day. I had no intentions of making the 1.5 hour commute into Manhattan from Queens to celebrate yesterday. (Especially when we had class from 7am until 3pm). Yet after a friend invited me to go out with a couple of her friends, I couldn't refuse. My friend Jenna and I met up with a couple guys who live in lower Manhattan and went to a great little place in the West Village with open air windows. I'm still getting used to the expensive nightlife here. 9 dollars for a salad. 6.50 for a beer. Ridiculous. At that point I was incredibly tired (being 9 pm and all) but we decided to go to a rooftop bar in the Meatpacking District. It was way swanky and we were way underdressed, but there's no better way to view fireworks than at a rooftop bar in Manhattan: fireworks in every direction and the city skyline shining brightly.

And then the morning hit. 5 am wake-up time. We had classes all day long at our schools in the Bronx. I literally have not stopped since 5 am. Pity me, please. I am working with three other teachers to prepare our classroom, develop management techniques, establish discipline and plan lessons for our class. We meet them tomorrow and then we start teaching full time on Monday.

I need to be up in five hours. I miss sleep. But more importantly, I miss my friends and family.

How did I wander into this?

After being in New York City for a week, I've discovered that it's just too difficult to ensure that everyone is updated about the nitty gritty details of my life. Therefore, I have succumbed to starting a blog so that those of you who are interested (very few in number, I'm sure) can be updated in regards to my experience. With general details aside, communication can focus upon more meaningful aspects of our lives.

Now that I have developed a personal philosophy of blogging, let me tell you about New York. I am back in the dorms as a 22-year-old at St. Johns University in Queens. This has been a very humbling experience to feel like a freshman in college again: eating in the cafeteria, attempting to get your ethernet to work, looking like a hispanic maid in your college ID, meeting friends, and engaging in many awkward social moments. I have met some amazing people from every background imaginable; I hope to find possible roomates in the future, but developing relationships can be a long, tedious process. It also makes finding an apartment difficult.

This past week has been filled with school visits, seminars, interviews and "induction" activities to help familiarize us with NYC. I have gotten into Manhattan almost everyday this week, whether for dinners in neighborhoods or simply going out for a drink with friends. Yesterday I spent the day walking around the Upper East Side, Upper West Side and Harlem. I have a better idea of where I would enjoy living, and apartment hunting is a major concern right now. I'm the envy of TFA (not really) because I won a raffle that partners me with a housing broker for free. This might help me find a place faster and more efficiently.

After interviewing for a position last week, I was offered a job at P.S. 42 Claremont Community School. I will teaching 3rd grade special education in an inclusion class. This means that not all students will require special education, but in reality the majority of them probably will. My students will be those who have emotional issues, behavioral issues and learning disabilities. I will be team teaching with another teacher and we will have about 25 students between the two of us. I'm incredibly excited, nervous, reluctant and hopeful...all at the same time.

Tonight was our opening ceremony for Institute. This is the beginning of our five-week training period in which we teach summer school and take classes. My day is planned from 5:30 am until 11:00 pm, everyday. I will have my own students in a week and teach them for four weeks with a group of teachers. So it begins...

For the record: my roomates are currently making a paper chain to help us track how long until Institute is over. We're sooo teachers.